Super Mario Bros VS Planet Earth!
by Mog Anarchy
Summary: If you are a resident of Planet Earth, you may be offended by this fan fiction. The Super Mario Bros. are miffed at their current status on Planet Earth. Their solution? INVASION!
1. Declaration Of Global War!

**Super Mario Bros. VS Planet Earth!**

**Mog Anarchy**

* * *

**A very important A/N: **

**If you are a resident of the wonderful blue planet, known as Earth - you may be offended by this fan fiction.**

**If you reside in Europe, America, Asia, Australia or any other continent - this fan fiction might enrage you to the point of combustion.**

**However, if you were crazy enough to even click on this fan fiction, knowing that it was authored by the psychopathic Mog Anarchy - then you must have a sense of humour! **

**All of the riffs, jokes and piss-takes contained within this fan fiction, are purely for laughs. I'm not a racist, an atheist, or any form of anti-government anarchist. I am purely a bored authoress, wanting to make my readers laugh, by having the Super Mario Bros. Invade Earth and try to conform with everybody's cultures.**

**I shall say this one more time: Everything is a joke! Please do not take offence from anything contained within this fan fiction :)**

**Let's cut to the chase already!**

_**- Dixie Stonehall**_

* * *

**One**

"Oh dear Mario, we're not doing good with our current sales." Peach sighed, whilst sadly glancing over a video game sales chart.

"I think the _Mario Party_ idea got a little bit stale after we released _Mario Party 23_." Luigi added, taking a swig from his coffee.

"At least MY games are selling well…" Wario snickered, taking a bite from his enormous hamburger.

"Yeah right." Daisy said, pointing at a graph. "Your _Wario Ware _ideas are getting staler by the second. I mean, what's fun about solving a simultaneous equation?"

"Yeah Wario, _Wario Ware Touched: 6_, it was getting just a little outdated." Waluigi laughed, poking his brother in the shoulder.

"Speak for yourself," Peach cut in, "_Waluigi Land _barely got off the ground."

"At least it sold better than _Super Princess Daisy_." Mario said, cracking his knuckles irritably.

"Our games stink." Peach sighed. "I mean, I thought I was onto something when I suggested _Super Mario Ice Hockey_."

"Yeah, and the only ones who bought it were those lousy, stinkin' Canadians." Wario interrupted.

"At least it did better than _The New-New-New-And-Improved-NEW Super Mario Bros_. for the NS." Luigi said, putting down his mug.

"_The NS_!" Daisy sighed. "What were Nintendo thinking? You can't look at **nine **screens at once - and I could barely fit it in my backpack!"

There was a sudden loud beeping sound, which filled the entire room; making everyone jump - followed by a flashing red light.

"Oh, we've got a call." Mario said, pushing a button on his wristwatch.

The cavernous bookshelf on the east wall, suddenly folded up, and a huge plasma-screen monitor appeared before them all.

Upon the screen, appeared the grinning face of Satoru Iwata - the president of Nintendo. He was surrounded by several other humans, all of them laughing.

"Konnichiwa, Super Mario Bros." Satoru said, bowing.

Mario bowed back, to show his respect.

"Well, do you know why we've called you?" He asked.

"No sir, why have you called us?" Luigi asked, walking up to stand next to his brother.

The camera panned left, to behind Satoru. Several members of Planet Earth's monarchy and government were seated around a long table.

Queen Elizabeth II, George W Bush, Jacques Chirac, Giorgio Napolitano , Tony Blair, Stephen Harper and several others were there, all of them attempting to keep straight faces, but every single one failing.

"Come on you guys, you haven't made a single decent video game in over seven years!" George whined.

"One is not amused." Elizabeth sighed.

"Yeah, how can we carry on this way without a cool game to play on our NS under the table during a meeting, eh?" Stephen asked.

"Sacré bleu!" Jacques exclaimed.

"Mama-mia, Mario! You're a disgrace to all of Italy." Giorgio tutted.

They all laughed, as Mario ground his teeth irritably.

"Ah, Mario." Satoru sighed. "You have exactly three months, to give me something good." He paused. "And if you don't…"

"We'll bomb the hell outta you guys!" George exclaimed, waving his arms excitedly. "God bless America!"

"Now, now, George, let's not get too carried away now dear." Elizabeth said, trying to calm him down.

"Sayonara."

The screen went blank.

* * *

There was an eerie silence in the room, as everyone didn't dare to speak.

Eventually, Peach plucked up the courage to say something.

"Umm… How about _Super Mario Curling_?"

Wario glared at her. "What is it with you? Had macaroni for breakfast this morning? Jeez, think of something that someone who DOESN'T have maple syrup with everything would like."

Mario shook his head. "No, we'll never make a decent game in three months… Looks like our kingdom is a goner."

"Don't say that Mario…" Daisy whimpered.

"Looks like that little blue planet down there is gonna destroy us all." Waluigi sighed. "I knew it was only a matter of time."

Mario suddenly snapped. "No! No they're not!" He yelled, jumping up onto a table.

"Mario!" Peach protested, "Take your shoes off, I've only just washed that tablecloth!"

Mario growled at her, and bent down to take his shoes off. He threw them at her, before continuing.

"Like I was saying." Mario said, frowning at Peach, who was rubbing her forehead, where one of the shoes had collided. "I'm fed up with having to listen to order from those bastards down there." Mario spat, "It's about time we gave them our orders for a change."

There was a silence.

"Think about it, they force us to do all kinds of shit, don't they?" Mario said. "Like Peach - did you actually enjoying having to set yourself on fire, over and over?"

Peach shook her head, "No… I singed my dress seventeen times."

"And Luigi, do you realise how much of a berk you looked, running around with that vacuum cleaner?"

Luigi blushed. "Umm, no. I didn't. Was I really that bad?"

"Yes you were." Mario responded. "And what about-"

A cavernous rumbling filled the room, as pictures tumbled from their hooks on the walls, and books clattered down from shelves. The lights became dim, as the grotesque form of Bowser appeared in the fireplace.

"And what about me?" Bowser roared. "Ow, YOWCH!" He yelled, jumping out from the fireplace. "My tail's on fire! My tail's on fire! My tail's-"

Bowser stopped, as Waluigi threw a vase of flowers over him, extinguishing the flame.

"Heh, thanks Wal." Bowser grinned. "Anyway, as I was saying. Ahem:" He began, clearing his throat, then laughing manically. "Gwarharharharhar! And what about me? How do you think I feel - being blown up in practically every single game, huh? And how about my severe burns I got, when you pushed me in the lava pit, back in 1986?" He asked. "I just want to be loved…" Bowser sobbed. "It's no fun having to play the bad guy - nobody gives you any candy, nobody invites you to parties, and nobody will give you a hug…" He sniffed, several tears sliding down his scaly cheeks.

"Aww Bowser, we love you really." Peach said, as everyone gave each other a huge hug.

Mario coughed. "So… We're all together on this one, huh? Let's go and destroy Planet Earth!"

Everyone cheered, jumping up and down.

"Don't forget about us!" Came a voice from the corner.

Everyone turned, as squadrons of Boos, Goombas, Koopas, Shy-Guys and Bob-Ombs all leapt from the Warp-Pipe in the corner, and began cheering too. They were closely followed by Donkey, Diddy and Dixie Kong. Behind them, Toad and Toadette were bounding along happily, waving their arms cheerily, and following them, were Yoshi and Birdo, chanting various things.

"We're sick of hosting Mario Parties, and getting stomped on by you brothers!" Called out a Goomba. "We want a bit of the action too!"

"Yeah, and we may have gotten our own games, after the Mario Party blitz – but they're all the SAME!" Diddy Kong whimpered.

"And us!"

Morton, Wendy, Iggy, Larry, Lemmy, Ludwig, Roy and little Bowser Jr. all thundered out of the pipe.

"Yeah, we wanna piece of Earth too - after they made us stay in those icky castles, back in 1991!" Roy exclaimed, waving his sceptre.

"And I wanna get back at 'em for what they made me do in 2002 - I hated that Mario suit! And that paintbrush was really heavy!" Bowser Jr. whimpered.

Mario looked like he was about to burst into tears of joy.

"Thanks a lot guys." He said, smiling.

He turned, jumping back onto the table. "Come on you lot - DOWN WITH EARTH!"

"DOWN WITH EARTH! DOWN WITH EARTH!" Everyone chanted, bouncing up and down.

In the midst of the hyper-active screaming and jumping around, one voice was suddenly screaming above the rest.

"HOLD ON A MINUTE!" Peach was yelling, repeatedly, until everyone stopped to look at her.

"Umm… How are we going to get to Earth?" Peach mumbled.

"Aw, shit. Never thought about that." Mario muttered.

"Aww man…" Luigi moaned.

"There goes our plan…" Wario growled.

"Straight outta the window…" Waluigi added.

"Pessimism!"

Everyone looked around, confused about who had just yelled into the room.

The lights suddenly flickered, and the bookshelf rattled.

"W-W-W-What's going on?" Luigi whimpered, clutching onto Daisy.

"Oh come on Lu." Daisy sighed.

The enormous oak doors suddenly burst open, and a whirlwind of cackling ghosts flew in, screeching with laughter. They began knocking paintings from the walls, ornaments from the shelves, and they shook the chandelier so hard that it rattled eerily.

"Ah ha ha ha ha."

Everyone turned, to see a short man, dressed in a white lab coat, covered with various chemical stains, and a pair of extra-thick framed glasses. He chuckled warmly, and clapped his hands hard. At the sound, all of the ghosts stopped their terrorizing antics, and flew back to him, standing obediently behind him.

"Hello Mario Brothers, and friends." He smiled.

"Professor Gadd!" Peach exclaimed. "We haven't see you around since _Mario's Mansion Six_!"

"Ooh, don't remind me." He winced. "I couldn't help but hear your predicament."

"Were you eavesdropping?" Wario growled, cracking his knuckles.

"Ah yes, I confess, I was watching you over my camera-monitoring system I have back at my lab."

Daisy looked horrified. "You were watching us on a camera?" She asked, in disbelief.

"I do apologize Daisy, but I must keep surveillance on you all at all times; you did sign up for my protection policy four years ago." Gadd smiled.

There was a silence.

"Anyway, as I was saying, I couldn't help but overhear your problem. You say you wish to visit the blue planet?" Gadd asked, whipping out a globe.

He scuttled over to the table, and placed it down.

Bowser chuckled. "That's Earth?" He asked. "Don't make me laugh, I could crush it with one hand." He said, placing his paw on the top of the globe, ready to squeeze it with his gargantuan claws, until it shattered.

Gadd snatched it away, out of Bowser's grasp. "No Bowser, this is not the scale size of Earth. This is a miniature model."

"Idiot." Peach mouthed at Bowser, stepping closer.

"If you would care to follow me outside, everyone… I think I've invented something that would greatly assist you."

* * *

"Presenting… The Star Box!"

Professor Gadd tugged down an immense red sheet of fabric, that had been covering, what revealed to be, an enormous white space shuttle.

"You totally ripped that design from Star FOX…" Mario muttered.

Gadd ignored him. "Come on inside." He said, approaching the open entrance. He beckoned for the others to follow him.

Within the interior of the Star Box ship, the windows were as clear as crystal, the floors were covered with a plush red carpet, and all of the surfaces were polished to perfection.

Gadd led them along, giving them a tour of his wonderful new creation.

The sleeping quarters were warm and comfortable, the beds were fresh and downy. The main central lounge was large enough to fit all of them, and even came equipped with a large plasma-screen T.V, a Nintendo Gamecube and various other consoles. (Excluding the crap ones: coughXboxcough.) And even the bathroom fixtures were so clean, you could eat your lunch off them.

Everyone stared around in awe, their mouths hanging open.

"Do you like it?" Gadd grinned, looking at everyone.

"And of course, you haven't seen the best part yet…"

Gadd turned, leading everyone down a narrow corridor, towards a sterile steel room, the green electronic panel above them read: 'TRANSPORTER.'


	2. Peach Fights France!

* * *

**A/N: I'd like to thank: ****HobbesLuigi82, ****Ruby Skye, ****Cheeky Cheep Cheep**** and ****LuigiGirl-22**** - for all of the ideas and inspiration that they have provided, thereby aiding me with the writing of this chapter.**

**Thanks to ****Luigi Rules 152**** for reminding me that the old fashioned bicycle is called a penny-farthing!**

**Also, a big thanks to all of you who have reviewed - I really appreciate it!**

_**- Dixie Stonehall. **_

* * *

**Two**

The electronic metal sliding doors suddenly parted, and Gadd led them all through into another room.

The walls were covered with control panels, rows upon rows of colourful flashing buttons, and monitor screens, covered with complex words and numbers that made no sense.

The floor was made from a white material - that felt soft underneath your feet, although it also felt spiny, like Velcro.

"This room…" Gadd said, gesturing around. "This is the Transporter."

Everyone looked at him blankly.

"I've done some research, and I've discovered that it is not safe for us to land the Star Box upon the Earth's surface."

- More blank looks.

"So instead, we are going to orbit the Earth, staying within its atmosphere - and instead of landing on the surface, as I explained, it would be dangerous, I can use this machine here, to teleport you all down, to any destination that I program it to."

Luigi nudged him in the shoulder. "Nice goin' prof." He grinned.

"But before we all warp off to the blue planet, I need to give you all a briefing."

* * *

Gadd led everyone back into the main control room. He walked over to a large metal disc in the centre of the floor, whilst everyone else encircled it.

He pulled out a small remote, and pushed several buttons, and flicked a lever.

From the disc, a spherical hologram appeared. It was predominantly blue, with touches of green, white and brown. It rotated around, whilst everybody stared at it in wonder.

"This is Earth." Gadd said, pushing more buttons. Several islands and areas upon the sphere flashed on and off.

"Inhabited by over six billion Homo Sapiens." He said, his eyes affixed to the rotating sphere. "Your first assignment is to infiltrate this country - here."

The sphere suddenly stopped rotating, and grew dark, asides from one area which light up a luminous green.

Gadd whipped out a stick, and pointed. "France." He said. "Europe."

He turned to everyone. "We need a group leader for this mission. And I nominate… Peach."

"Me, sir?" Peach mumbled, unsure about her position, which she had been placed in.

"Now don't worry everybody, you'll all get a chance to become squadron leader." Gadd turned, and smiled at a Boo who was floating towards them.

"Thank you Gameboo." He said, as the Boo handed him a large cardboard box.

Gadd opened it, and pulled out several dozen wristbands. He handed them out to everybody.

"It is essential that you all wear these." He said. "This way, I can track your position, and even communicate with you all whilst you are down there. Of course, I shall have to stay up here, within orbit, monitoring the ship."

Everyone nodded, most of them not knowing what to say; but they tied their wristbands around their arms obediently.

There was a sudden loud rumble, as the whole shuttle vibrated excessively, knocking everybody onto the ground.

"W-W-What's going on?" Daisy yelled, trying to stop herself sliding across the floor.

"Shiiiiiit!" Mario screamed, as he tumbled backwards, and began rolling along the floor, and into the far wall.

"Don't worry!" Gadd called. He was being held up in the air by Gameboo and another Boo. "The shuttle is just entering the Earth's atmosphere - almost there!" He said, grinning down at everyone being hurled around below.

After a while, and after Diddy Kong had almost thrown up, and Toadette had screamed so loud, everybody was practically deafened - the rumbling eventually subsided, and the shuttle stabilised once again.

* * *

"Come on everyone, it's time to get into your disguises."

"Disguises…?" Bowser croaked.

Gadd jumped up, and dashed off in the direction of the corridor opposite the Transporter. Everyone was too bewildered to argue with him, so they just followed him.

"It's safer to enter dangerous territory, if you're camouflaged." Gadd grinned.

He gestured to everybody, and they followed him into a small room.

The room was not much bigger than a large store cupboard, and everybody was squashed in tighter than a can of sardines.

"You're standing on my foot!"

"Stop breathing on my neck!"

Gadd shuffled out, and stood by a control panel set in the wall. He lifted both of his hands up, and began typing rapidly, his tongue out intently.

He handed Peach a piece of paper, before locking the door.

"On the count of three Peach, read what it says on there."

Gadd walked back to the control panel, and tugged hard on a lever.

"One… Two… Three!"

"Costume vers le haut!" Peach exclaimed.

* * *

A blinding flash of purple light burst from within the room, and a loud screeching sound exploded out, like chalk scraping on a blackboard.

Gadd clicked his teeth, staring at his wristwatch. After a few seconds, expertly measured, he tugged backwards on the lever he'd pulled earlier, and the door lock opened.

"There we go." Gadd grinned, "You're all ready to go."

"What the frig happened?" Mario yelled.

"Professor, just what in the name of mushrooms have you done?"

Everybody pushed hard against each other, trying to barge out of the cramped cupboard first.

Once everyone had emerged, they all traipsed back to the central room.

Gadd smiled, adjusting his glasses. "Another success." He said.

The 'disguises', as Gadd had called them, were long sleeved red and white striped sweaters, faded denim jeans, black berets - and Peach and Daisy had somehow ended up with moustaches.

Peach gingerly felt her top lip, before shrieking in horror. "What have you done?!" She cried, tugging hard on the fuzz above her mouth, trying to pull it off.

"It's attached!" Daisy whined, also attempting to remove hers.

Several sniggered with laughter, as Gadd attempted to calm them both down.

"Now, now ladies, they will come off I assure you. Once you return to the Disguise-O-Matic 6003, all elements of your costume shall be returned…" He paused. "Now all of you, to the Transporter." He barked.

* * *

After an extensive roaring sound, followed by a mysterious feeling - which felt like they were being stretched back and forth like elastic.

A few seconds later, they were hurled out into the centre of a cobblestone square, all of them scraping their noses against the rough cobbles.

"Agh, that's something I wouldn't like to do again in a hurry…" Peach said, rubbing her bumped head.

"That was… Freaky." Daisy groaned, wiping her grazed nose on her sleeve.

"I thought it was fun!" Toad said, jumping up onto his feet.

"Let's do it again! Let's do it again!" Toadette chanted, scrambling up.

"Calm down you two." Luigi warned, picking himself up, and dusting himself down.

Wario lifted his head up from the ground, his huge purple nose twitching. "I can smell… Bakery!" He drooled, his beady black eyes darting from side to side, trying to spot where the delicious scent was coming from.

"Les baguettes! Les baguettes!" - Came a cheery voice from behind them. Wario turned, only for his eyes to set upon a tall man, dressed in a chef's apron, pushing a red and white trolley, filled with freshly baked bread and rolls.

"Me wanty!" Wario yelled, scrabbling up, and charging through the market crowds towards the innocent baker.

Everyone groaned, slapping their hands to their forehead, as the air was punctured with the sound of screams, and clatters. Wario had obviously ambushed the bread cart,

Peach suddenly jumped, as her wristband began shaking violently. She pushed the green button on the top, and a hologram of Professor Gadd was projected into the air beside her.

"Glad to see you all made it." He smiled. "Yet another success, my World-Warper-2000."

"Yes Professor." Peach muttered. "Professor, what do we do now?" Peach asked, glancing around anxiously at the large crowd of people staring at the odd-looking group, sprawled out on the ground, all of them wearing the same ridiculous clothes.

"I shall give you all your individual assignments…"

* * *

"But I'm afraid of heights!" Peach protested, as Daisy placed both of her hands firmly upon Peach's shoulders, and pushed her in the direction of the elevator.

"Come on Peach, it's only nine-hundred-and-eighty-four feet tall!" Daisy chirped, pushing Peach in, through the automatic doors.

Peach whimpered, her knees knocking together, whilst Daisy rubbed her hands together with anticipation.

When the loud ping of the elevator stopping was heard, Daisy grabbed Peach by the collar, before she could escape, and dragged her out onto the highest balcony of the Eiffel Tower.

"Wow, what an awesome view!" Daisy exclaimed, leaning over the edge. "Hey look, there's the Arc De Triomphe!"

Peach wasn't listening; she was leant over the balcony, forgetting her fear of heights, vomiting with fear over the side.

Daisy giggled, looking down below Peach's projectile. "Wow, d'ya reckon vomit is lethal, when spewed from a three-hundred metre height?" She suddenly jumped into the air, cheering. "Yeah, you hit him!" She exclaimed, watching as a small dot below, which was a man who Peach had managed to splatter, was cursing loudly.

"Eat carrots, garlic breath!" Daisy jeered.

Daisy's wristwatch beeped. "Daisy, set up your artillery post, and start your attack wave, numéro un." He grinned. "Peach, lock the elevator, to stop anybody interfering with our plans."

* * *

"Does he have any idea how dangerous this is?" Waluigi muttered, shuffling anxiously up against the marble walls, keeping a low profile.

"I don't think he does…" Diddy Kong muttered, shuffling along in step with his partner.

Waluigi's wristwatch beeped. "Now boys, you must deactivate the search lasers." Gadd advised. "The computer system is on the third floor corridor - Diddy, would you take care of that?"

Diddy grumbled to himself, as he dashed off up the stairs to deactivate the lasers.

"Gadd out."

Waluigi tucked his arms behind his back, making sure he was fully hidden behind the marble pillar.

Gadd had ordered Diddy and Waluigi to sneak into the Louvre Museum, and steal the famous piece of artwork - the Mona Lisa. ("I can sell this baby on EBay for ten million coins…" Gadd had chuckled to himself.)

A few moments later, the barely visible infra-red light beams covering every inch of the roped-off enclosure vanished, and Waluigi tiptoed towards the canvas, hanging upon the wall.

He reached out, both of his hands shaking violently. He quickly made a grab for it, wrapping his hands around the golden-trim frame.

"She could have smiled, at least." He muttered to himself, admiring the artwork.

"Moody bitch." He sniggered, tucking the painting under his arm, and walking up to the broken window, where they had entered.

* * *

"Now, Force Koopa." Gadd was saying, whilst addressing Bowser and his brace of eight children. "Your duty is to destroy this entire market place, and pilfer all of the gloves of garlic you can possibly find - we require them for phase three."

Bowser nodded, glancing at his children. All eight of them seemed more than ready to destroy an entire market, and cause uncontrollable havoc.

"On my mark…" Gadd said; an excited tone in his voice.

"CHAAAAAAAARGE!"

The Koopas rocketed from their starting post, and hurled themselves at the market stands, squashing everything flat which was in their way.

Roy and Morton crushed the support beams holding the canopies up, and pretty soon, everything had collapsed under their brute force.

"Now… Where does garlic come from...?" Ludwig said to himself, his beady black eyes settling down on a market salesman, who was cowering in the corner.

"Aha." He grinned, edging closer to the quivering man.

Ludwig reached out, his black pointed claws glinting menacingly in the light. He put his hand cautiously behind the man's ear, and pulled out a clove of garlic.

"Hey!" Ludwig laughed. "I've heard of growing potatoes in your ears - but never GARLIC!"

"Hey, Beret-Brain!" Roy sneered, hurling a handful of courgettes at a random innocent bystander. "Ever heard of toothpaste?"

"It's just as well Wario isn't around." Wendy muttered, tugging the collar of her striped-sweater up over her nose, gagging at the scent of the garlic. "He'd be swimming in this stuff!"

Bowser chuckled to himself, as he lifted up several crates of the stinky stuff, humming a little song to himself.

"Yes, you too can be Wario-Man! Just draw a little smiley on some garlic, eat it, and bingo! I take no responsibility for the certain stomach-bloating that will follow." Iggy sniggered.

Bowser Jr. was perched up upon one of the upturned stalls, drawing a wobbly smile on a clove of garlic with a blue crayon.

"I want to be a superhero!" He smiled, cutely.

"First floor, stinky people. Second floor, artists who can't tell Van Gogh from a hole in the ground." Morton laughed.

Larry and Lemmy had adorned themselves with garlic necklaces, and were having a mock-sword fight with two cucumbers on the top of a collapsed canopy.

"Hey; is there such thing as a French vampire?" Larry asked, eyeing the garlic curiously.

"Ooh la la! Le Dracula!" Lemmy mocked, lunging at his brother, his pointed fangs withdrawn.

"Hey, are you gonna be a garlic-salesman or a tailor when you're older?" Roy sneered, glaring at a young boy who was walking past. Roy threw an apple at his head for good measure.

"Come on you lot - it's time." Bowser called. "Gadd's calling."

* * *

"No! I'M telling YOU!"

"Come on Luigi; you've had enough…" Toad warned.

"No, Luigi want more!" Luigi slurred.

Yoshi and Toad grabbed Luigi round the waist, and attempted to drag him away from the free champagne sample stall.

"Can't Luigi just have a doggy-bag? You know, for when we're on the shuttle home?" He whimpered.

"NO!" Toad and Yoshi yelled, simultaneously.

* * *

"Dixie, can you hear me?"

"Yes professor."

"Your assignment is to lead the Goomba Squad - and infiltrate that building over there." Gadd instructed.

"What?" Dixie Kong asked, "You mean, the wine cellar?"

"That's just not any old wine cellar, Dixie. That is the Academie Du Vin's private stash."

"The what?"

"It's a school, which teaches all about wine… I wish I'd been sent there…" Gadd muttered. "I could live my life as a drunk; instead of having to baby-sit these bastard Boos."

"Err… Professor?" Dixie asked, beginning to get impatient.

"If my parents had sent me there to study the fine art of _Vin du table_, I could live my life as an alcoholic grape-crusher - instead of having to listen to those little gits laughing all night, and putting tacks on my chair, and super glue in my control-panels…" Gadd continued muttering to himself.

"Well FINE!" Dixie growled, pushing the red button on her wristwatch. "Sod you - we'll do it on our own."

She turned to face the crowd of Goombas behind her, each one balanced on an old-fashioned penny-farthing bicycle, along with their black berets slipping down over their eyes.

Dixie straightened her own beret - pink, as she refused to wear a black one, as it would clash with her hair - and looked in the direction of the building.

She mounted her own retarded bicycle, and signalled to the Goombas.

"CHARGE!"

* * *

"Come on Boomerang - are you done yet?"

"Hold yer horses, Booigi - I had an extra-tall glass of Chuckola Cola on the way."

Booigi's wristwatch vibrated, and Gadd's hologram appeared.

"Are you done with your mission? I want this Brie to be totally toxic, within the next seven minutes."

The Boo Squad had been assigned to infiltrate the Brie cheese factory - and to poison the vats of cheese. Boomerang, Booigi and Limbooger had drawn the short straws, and had been sent in.

Booigi was keeping guard; Limbooger was adjusting the temperature control - to grill the cheese to a golden perfection; and as a finishing touch: Boomerang was urinating into the vat. As everyone knows, Boo urine is one of the most toxic substances known to humans. (But most humans don't know… Hee hee.)

Boomerang coughed, and zipped up his flies. "All done." He grinned.

Limbooger adjusted his beret. "Well, come on then. We need to get back. By my calculations, this place is gonna get hotter than a dead cow in the Texas desert by nine."

* * *

"What time are these bikers set to arrive?" Wario asked, munching on a garlic-filled baguette.

"In around two minute's time." Replied Gadd's hologram. "Are you lot all set?"

"Baguettes?" Wario asked.

"Check."

"Frogs legs?"

"Check."

"Tazers?"

"Who mentioned-"

"Quiet." Wario hissed, pressing his gloved hands over Mario's mouth. "Tazers are my secret weapon." He whispered.

"Frenchies at eleven o' clock!" Gadd exclaimed.

Toadette examined her wristwatch. "But it's only ten past ni-"

"CHAAAAAAAAAARGE!"

A troupe of elegant, and shaved-to-perfection cyclists reared up over a yonder hill, and began riding in the direction of the town.

Wario, Mario, Toadette and several Koopas mounted their own bicycles, and held their baguettes aloft like swords.

"It's bread-crumb time, Frenchies!"

"Time to make a garlic sandwich!"

All ten of the striped soldiers hurtled down the concrete hill, towards the cyclists coming the opposite way.

"Ready… Set… JOUST!"

The whole Tour De France came to a standstill, as several riders were hurled off their bikes, by the whack of a baguette, whilst their un-mounted bicycles smashed into each other; causing an immense multi-bicycle-and-baguette-pile-up. The sound of buzzing tazers, and violent curses in both English and French filled the air, as legs were caught in chains, and tendons were torn.

Mario gave Toadette a high five, whilst Wario was mopping up spilt blood from the concrete, with his baguette. He chomped on it noisily, making everyone else feel queasy.

"Ah, even their blood tastes of garlic." He laughed, stuffing the whole loaf in his mouth.

* * *

Back up on the tower, Bowser and his Koopas had finally reached the top, and were lugging out several crates of garlic.

"Here you go." Bowser smiled in Peach's direction. "Ammo."

Gadd appeared from Daisy's wrist. "Excellent, all systems are go." He smiled. "Peach, would you care to do the honours?"

Peach didn't hear, she was gazing into a compact mirror, combing her moustache.

"PEACH!" They all yelled.

"Fine!" Peach growled.

She stormed over to the now-loaded garlic-cannon, and looked down at the city below.

BIG MISTAKE.

Peach opened her mouth, and screamed, remembering how high up she was.

"Don't look down - idiot!" Daisy hissed.

"I think I'm gonna… - Urp!"

Peach leant over the side, gasping; her face pale green. With the same violent force as before, she was sick with terror over the side.

"You hit him again!" Daisy exclaimed, watching as the man below cursed loudly, grimacing at the mess of acid and carrots covering him from head to toe.

"That's it; I'm moving to Quebec." He spat, before storming off in a huff.

Everyone cheered for poor Peach, who collapsed with fatigue upon the floor, breathing heavily.

With the squad commander down; Daisy took control of the garlic-cannon.

She stuck her tongue out in concentration, entering the right co-ordinates, and squinting at her targets below - whilst Bowser and his children scooped up handfuls of garlic, loading the cannon's barrel, until it was ready to burst.

"_FIIIIIIIIIIIIREEE!"_

"Woo! Eat garlic, Frenchies!" Daisy laughed.

"It's raining garlic!" Bowser Jr. exclaimed, watching as the cannon exploded, hurling garlic-clove rockets everywhere.

* * *

"Right…" Luigi slurred, his eyes rolling. He squared up to the smart man, dressed in a suit, who was pleading with him to calm down.

"You said you wanna throw ME out…" Luigi growled, edging towards him.

"Please monsieur, please under-ztand…"

"NO!" Luigi yelled, right in his face. "YOU UNDERSTAND!"

"Please, monsieur…" The manager gasped, waving his hand in front of his nose. "Please, take your business elsewhere."

Luigi took out a handful of garlic and horseradish flavoured candy - and chewed it thoughtfully.

"And why should I?" He asked, blowing his breath into the manager's face.

"Zir! Your breath! It's…"

Luigi went red with rage. "Are you accusing me of having…? HALLITOSIS?" He roared, his nose only centimetres away from the manager's own.

"Sir!" He called out in protest, his legs weakening.

"DO NOT EVER INSULT YOUR CUSTOMERS LIKE THAT - OR I'LL-"

Luigi stopped, watching smugly, as the manager collapsed under the table.

"Heh. Calls himself a Frenchman, and he can't even handle a bit of garlic, eh?" Luigi giggled to himself.

* * *

"Come in, Peach."

Peach held her wrist up, Gadd's hologram projected high into the air, so that everyone gathered around her could see him.

"You've all fulfilled your duties admirably. I only gave you simple assignments, to see how you coped - and I can see that you are all a very reliable crew." Gadd smiled.

They all grinned, happy with this response.

"However, this does not mean our war against Earth is over." Gadd added, sounding crestfallen. "We have many more countries to infiltrate yet."

Everyone said nothing.

"But I'm sure that you'll complete all of your missions set, with incredible skill and ability." Gadd smiled, congratulating them.

"However, I must warn you; your next task will be a lot harder."

Everyone looked at each other, nervously.

"Now, all of you, join hands, and repeat what I say; you'll all be returned to the Star Box."

They all did as they were told, joining hands, and standing in a ring; in the middle of the town square.

"Beam us up Gaddy." Gadd snickered.

They all groaned. "Typical… Corny." Daisy muttered.

"Beam us up Gaddy!" They all yelled.

* * *

"Welcome back everyone." Gadd exclaimed, as everyone whooped loudly, throwing their berets up into the air in triumph.

"A job well done." He said. "Return to the suit-up room, and return your disguises. All you need to do, is push the red button on the wall."

"That was fun." Daisy laughed, jumping back onto a plush armchair.

"I know." Luigi smiled, swigging from a bottle of champagne. He put his finger to his lips. "Shh, don't tell Toad or Yoshi - but I sneaked thirty bottles of this stuff back with me." He giggled.

Daisy shook her head. "You bad boy."

Luigi jumped into her lap, and she stroked his freshly-combed hair, entwining it with her fingers. "I have a present for you… But I'll give you it later." She purred, as Luigi blushed, snuggling his head into her neck.

Peach went emerald with envy, glowering in the doorway.

"Oh, Peach?" Mario called.

Peach's eyes lit up, hoping that Mario was going to give her a 'present later' too.

"I have a little something for you." He smiled, walking towards her.

Peach smiled crazily, expecting she was going to get a wonderful kiss for her hard work as squadron leader.

"My special little captain deserves a special treat." Mario grinned.

Peach closed her eyes, and puckered her lips; waiting to feel Mario's moustache brush against her tender cheek.

"Here you are."

Peach felt something slimy be slid into her mouth. And she didn't like the feel of it, one bit. She opened her eyes quickly, noticing a black slimy creature hanging out of her mouth.

"What's this?!" She said, indistinctively, as her mouth was full.

"Les escargots." Mario smiled. "A French delicacy." He paused.

"Snails."

Peach screamed in horror, spitting the snail out immediately. A thick trail of mucous dripped from her mouth, and dribbled down her chin.

"Oh yuck!" She wailed, wiping her mouth furiously. She turned quickly, and headed in the direction of the bathrooms.

"Thanks Mario - now I have to scrub my tongue!"

* * *


	3. Wario Clobbers Canada!

* * *

**A/N: A shout out to all of you who have enjoyed the first two chapters of SMBVSPE - and to my persistent reviewers: Raykura-Kura, LuigiGirl-22, HobbesLuigi82, Ruby Skye, Cheeky Cheep Cheep, Flameboo, Rattle And Hum and Luigi Rules 512.**

_**WOOP! SHOT OUTS!**_

**Also: A big thanks to HobbesLuigi82, for the serious help and support you provided with the writing of this chapter!**

…**Finally: ****This chapter, is dedicated to LuigiGirl-22 - for always standing by me in everything I write, and reviewing constantly. Thanks. :D**

**This chapter is the longest one so far; but I worked REALLY hard on it, so I hope you all enjoy it.**

**LONG LIVE CANADA!**

_**- Dixie A. Stonehall**_

* * *

**Three**

The crew awoke early next morning, eager to discover their new mission.

Most of them just sprang from their beds, and dashed down the central room - not bothering to clean their teeth or make their beds.

Gadd was seated in his comfortable leather armchair, twiddling his thumbs.

He smiled warmly, as Mario, Luigi, Peach, Daisy, Toad and several others burst through the sliding doors, and poured into the central area.

Luigi sniffed the air. "What's that smell?" He asked, his mouth beginning to water.

"It smells like… Fried breakfast." Mario drooled, his eyes rolling back in his head.

Gadd grinned. "You're correct in assuming that, brothers." He glanced around. "Where's Wario?"

"In bed." Waluigi answered, slowly walking through the sliding doors, rubbing the sleep from his eyes, and stretching out his long arms.

He took off his striped nightcap, and scratched his head. "It'll be another hour or so before he gets up. The only thing that'll wake him up is-"

"BREAKFAST!" Wario roared, thundering along the corridor, pushing Waluigi aside, as he clattered through the doorway.

"Ah, Wario." Gadd said. "Just in time."

Wario snuffled his nose, inhaling the aroma of the breakfast, cooking only a few metres away from where he was standing, in the kitchen.

"You've been nominated for Squadron Leader." Gadd announced.

"Whatever." Wario shrugged. "When's breakfast?"

Gadd carried on regardless. "And to prepare you for this duty - we've prepared you a special breakfast today."

A Toad chef walked through the sliding doors to the kitchen, pushing a steel trolley over to the table in the centre of the room.

Gadd placed both of his bands on Wario's shoulders, and directed him to a seat - and tied a napkin around his neck.

"Oh yeah?" Wario asked. "What kind of special breakfast?"

The Toad lifted the plates onto the table, and removed the steel covers.

"A Full Canadian Breakfast - of course." Gadd announced.

"A what?"

"Look." Gadd explained. "First off, we have back bacon. Then we have front bacon, side bacon, middle bacon, left bacon, right bacon, top bacon and bottom bacon."

Wario's beady eyes almost popped out of his head at the sight of the stack of perfect, pink, pork mounted on his plate.

"Followed by… Macaroni on toast." Gadd said, pointing to several slices of golden toast, a mountain of macaroni piled on top.

"And finally…" The chef said, lifting the final lid off with a flourish.

The last plate, contained an immense stack of pancakes, about three feet tall, soaked in sticky maple syrup.

"Pancakes - with extra sticky stuff." Gadd grinned.

"And of course, no Canadian meal is complete without…" The chef began, whipping out a bottle from his sleeve, and plonking it down on the table.

"A bottle of the brown stuff." He grinned, signalling to the large bottle of Molson beer.

"That's not fair!" Peach whined, "I never got a special breakfast when I was the Squadron Leader!"

"Yes, because your mission was easy. Wario's mission is dangerous."

"Pfft." Peach scoffed. "Whatever."

Wario had already dug into his enormous meal, stuffing his mouth with the rashers of side, front and middle bacon, chomping them loudly.

"Don't expect me to do anything." Peach said gruffly, walking over to the couch to sulk.

"So…?" Daisy asked. "Where's our mission?"

"Don't you mean: 'Where's our mission, eh?'" Gadd laughed.

Everyone looked at him blankly.

"Come on you lot, you have to get into the ol' Northern spirit!" He sang, leaping up and down.

Gadd whipped out his trusty remote, and brought up the Earth hologram.

This time, a large country on the far west of the globe lit up.

"Your next mission - is Canada." Gadd smiled.

"We would NEVER have guessed…" Luigi muttered sarcastically.

Peach coughed loudly from her sulking spot. "Canada - Schmanada." She muttered. "I ain't going."

Gadd ignored her. "Come on everyone, go and wake up the rest of the crew - and report to the-"

The whole room was filled with the sound of an echoing belch - which rang off the walls and rattled the windows.

Wario leant back in his chair smugly, beer froth in his moustache, and maple syrup dripped down his front.

"Err… Yes; thank you Wario." Gadd stammered.

There was a silence.

"As I was saying - report to the suit-up chamber." Gadd said, handing Wario his instruction paper.

Wario struggled out of his chair, he'd gained an extra five pounds within the last five minutes.

He waddled off in the direction of the suit-up chamber, with everyone else following him.

* * *

When everyone was finally awake, and squashed into the cupboard-sized chamber, (It being a tighter squeeze than before, due to Wario's recent weight-gain) Gadd typed in the codes, and gave his countdown.

"One… Two… Three!"

Wario cleared his throat, and read out the new command.

"Suit up, eh?"

* * *

After the screaming siren and the blinding strobe lights, everyone emerged, feeling a little groggy.

"Well hey, it's better than jerseys and berets…" Mario muttered.

Mario, Waluigi, Donkey Kong and several others were now dressed in smart scarlet suits, with shiny brass buttons. Their black jeans were pressed to perfection, and their hiking boots upon their feet shone brightly. Completing their look, a large beige hat with a wide brim rested upon their head.

"And here we have the Canadian policemen." Gadd grinned.

Peach and Wario had ended up in enormous white shirts, black shorts and enough padding to insulate an attic twice. They wore scuffed ice-skates, battered helmets, and they held long wooden sticks in their gloved hands.

"The classic hockey players." Gadd laughed.

Toad, Toadette, Bowser Jr. and a few others were dressed in snowsuits, along with bobble-hats and thick woollen pants.

"Gotta protect the little 'uns from that harsh weather." Gadd smiled kindly.

Everyone else wore navy blue sweaters and jeans; the sweaters embossed with an explosion, and a granite curling stone in the centre.

"You're the Star Box curling team." Gadd said, trying hard not to laugh, but failing.

Daisy waved her broom angrily. "Nobody mentioned curling!" She growled.

"It goes without saying, Daisy." Gadd smiled. "If anybody says Canada - curling goes with it."

Everyone gave him an odd look.

"After all, Canada spelt backwards is curling."

"No it's not…" Luigi growled. "And he's supposed to be smart…" He muttered.

Gadd grabbed Daisy's broom, and whacked Luigi over the head.

"Canada spelt backwards is 'curling'! Got it?" He growled.

"But it isn't!" Peach piped up. "It's 'Adanac'!"

Gadd glared at her, taking the broom, and whipping it across Peach's shins, causing her to fall flat on her face across the floor.

Everyone burst out laughing as Peach furiously picked herself up, turning red underneath her hockey helmet.

Gadd shook his head. "Come on all of you, get to the Transporter."

* * *

"Holy shit - not this AGAAAAAIN!!"

Everyone screamed and cursed, as the high-speed, neon-coloured warp function sent them all rocketing out into the middle of a snow-covered wasteland.

After a few seconds of flying through the crisp, cold air at several hundred miles per hour, they came to a sudden stop, and crash-landed in the heaps of soft snow.

"Talk about turbulence." Mario muttered.

"Well, at least it was a soft landing." Luigi said, shaking the snow off his hat.

"Wario?" Peach asked, furiously picking herself up, and knocking the snow out of her helmet.

"Please." Wario laughed, his face still buried in the snowdrift. "Call me, 'Leader'."

Peach made a growling noise in the back of her throat, wanting to wring his stupid neck.

"Come on War, get up." Waluigi ordered, shaking himself down.

Wario didn't answer, he was scooping up mouthfuls of snow, and swallowing them down, as if it were sherbet.

"Canada tastes good." Wario said, his mouth full of snow.

"Careful War." Waluigi warned. "Remember: If it's white, it's alright. If it's yellow, it's oh-no… And if it's brown, it's thumbs-down."

Peach grimaced. "You two are disgusting."

Wario suddenly toppled over backwards, clutching his head tightly. "ARG!! Brain-freeze!" He wailed.

"Eat it twice, take my advice - your brain turns to ice." Waluigi snickered.

"Speak in rhyme, one more time - and I'll-" Peach began.

"You just did it too!" Luigi laughed.

Wario's snow-covered wristwatch vibrated, and Gadd appeared.

"Glad to see you all made it." He smiled. "Now listen carefully, you know I assigned you all to squadrons, yes?"

Everyone nodded.

"Well, behind you, stands the sacred Zamboni Pepperoni."

"The WHAT?" Mario asked, turning.

A foil-wrapped package was lying on the ground beside them.

"Each squadron, must take a slice, and break into equal shares, of how many are in their group… For example, group A, would split it in two, group B would split it into twelve, and so on."

Everyone was still staring at the hologram blankly.

"Then, everyone must simultaneously swallow their slices, whilst holding hands, and linking arms. Then… And only then, you'll be warped to your mission location."

"…Warping pepperoni?" Daisy asked. "I think he's finally cracked."

_**Bzzt!**_

Daisy suddenly jerked crazily, as sparks of electricity radiated from her hair and clothing.

"What the FUCK was that?" She screamed.

Gadd giggled to himself. "It was such a good idea to include a restraining-mechanism in these watches. And Daisy, watch your language. This is only rated T." He smiled.

"Excuse me?!" Peach gasped.

"Don't matter." Gadd giggled.

Mario picked up the package, and peeled back the foil. As Gadd had said, it was a box of pepperoni slices - but each one had the image of a Zamboni ice-resurfacer stamped upon it.

"He's gone wacko." Luigi smiled.

"Totally loopy." Peach added.

"Cuckoo! Cuckoo!" Bowser mocked, screwing his finger into his forehead.

_**Bzzt…**_

"Oww!"

"Yowch!"

"Arggh!"

Gadd grinned, folding his arms. "Mock me again, and I'll turn it up to sleeper-shock."

Everyone looked at one another and grimaced.

* * *

Peach and Wario - Squadron A - took their slice, and Wario split it into two pieces.

"That's not fair!" Peach whined. "You got the bigger half!"

"There's no such thing as a 'bigger half'." Wario smiled. "That explains the D- you got in Math." He mocked.

"But you got a D!" Peach growled.

"I got a D… PLUS." Wario smirked. "Therefore, better than you."

Gadd appeared from Peach's wrist. "Stop bickering, and eat your Zamboni Pepperoni." Gadd ordered. "Your mission, is in central Ontario - you are going to infiltrate the hockey academy."

"And the point in that would be…?" Peach asked, rolling her eyes.

_**Bzzt.**_

"Yow!"

"I told you to stop mocking me." Gadd frowned. "Eat it."

He disappeared.

Wario and Peach looked at each other, taking their pepperoni in their right hand, and placing it into their mouths at the same time.

* * *

"Come in Squadron B."

"Yup, we're here." Mario smiled.

"Your mission… Is to invade Toronto." He smirked. "You're dressed as policemen, so nobody will suspect anything."

"And what do we have to do?" Waluigi asked, stuffing his hands into his trouser pockets. His trousers were a few sizes too short for his gangly legs - so it looked like he was wearing shorts, his shins turning blue against the cold.

"Just cause as much havoc as you possibly can. Somewhere in Toronto is a basement-bar. If you can reach there, there's a ammo cupboard waiting there for you." He disappeared.

"How the frig are we supposed to find a BASEMENT-BAR?!" Mario asked, shaking his head.

"We could dig for it?" A small Goomba suggested. All of the Goombas' hats were several sizes too big, and they kept slipping down over their faces.

Mario frowned at him, grabbing the peak of his hat, and tugging it down over his eyes. "Stop making useless suggestions." He growled, handing everyone a tiny shred of the pepperoni.

* * *

"Did it work?" Peach whimpered, raising her head up from the ground.

"Of course it worked - we're somewhere else aren't we?" Wario snapped.

"Hey - where are all the cars?"

"They don't have cars in Canada… They drive Zambonis." Wario sniggered.

"I want one!" Peach announced, as she'd just noticed a bright blue Zamboni ice-resurfacer sliding over the ice rink that they were standing on.

"The hell?!" Peach shouted, examining her driving licence. "I'm not a Class F? I can't drive a Zamboni!" She sniffed.

"There, there," Wario sneered, offering her a handkerchief.

"I wanna drive the Zamboni…" She sobbed.

"Don't we all." Wario coughed.

"Oi!" Peach yelled, cupping her hands around her mouth. "Yeah you - macaroni-muncher! I'll make you a deal, eh? How's about you give up that Zamboni of yours, and we won't beat you as hard, eh?"

"You're going a bit overboard on the accent…" Wario muttered.

The Zamboni-driver responded by shoving his middle finger up in her direction, before continuing to shine the ice.

"Ooooh… He's gonna get it." Peach growled, raising her hockey stick.

* * *

"Hey Mario, you got anymore of that Zamboni Pepperoni stuff?" One of the Goombas piped up. "We've been walking for _weeks_, and we're all starved back here!"

"Oh, go hug a tree." Mario coughed.

He snapped his fingers. "Better yet - suck a tree!"

"What?"

"No, seriously, find yourself a tree, and suck the branches."

"Why…?"

"You'll get maple syrup outta it, of course." Mario smiled.

"I think Mario's cracked as well - first Zamboni Pepperoni, now maple syrup trees!" The Goomba whispered.

"You're dumb, seriously." Waluigi coughed. "Where d'ya think they actually get maple syrup from?"

"Canada!" They all chorused.

Waluigi and Mario looked at one another. "Right, that's it."

Mario and Waluigi grabbed a Goomba in each hand, and dragged them along the ground, to a small clearing, where a circle of trees stood.

"Hey Mario, how do you know these are maple trees?" Waluigi asked.

"You kiddin'? ALL trees here are maple trees!" Mario smiled.

He took out an axe, and swung it towards the tree bark; cutting a deep gash through the wood.

"There we go, it'll start bleeding maple syrup now."

"Trees don't BLEED…"

"Yeah… The TREES don't bleed the syrup - the guys down in Toronto - where we're supposed to be - do!"

"Stop correcting me!" Mario yelled. "I'm the leader of this squadron!"

All other eleven members of Squadron B looked at one another, then turned to face Mario - an identical expression of fury on their faces.

"Errrr… Why are you guys looking at me like that…?"

* * *

"Are you two here for a reason - or are you just here to kill our Zamboni-driver, eh?"

Peach stopped bashing the defenceless Zamboni-driver with her hockey stick and stood still.

"I uh… We're here for…" She stopped, twisting the stick in-between her fingers nervously, droplets of blood dripping onto the ice. "Hey! You said 'eh'! Are you Canadian?"

"Peach… Shut up…" Wario growled through his teeth.

"Yes, I am." This man smiled, rubbing his shirt proudly.

Peach smiled, skating across the ice towards him. "HUG!" She cried, throwing her arms around him.

"Erk- Alright buddy, that's… Enough!" He gasped, as Peach's rib-crushing hug was disabling him from being able to breathe.

"Hey wait… It's winter isn't it?" She asked. "Shouldn't all of you Canadians be in hibernation by now?"

Wario slapped his forehead, shaking his head in despair.

"Canadians don't hibernate…" He growled, beginning to get offended.

"Hey! You haven't even grown your winter coat!" Peach growled, glaring at his freshly-shaven cheeks. "You're not Canadian at all… Are you?" She threatened, raising her hockey stick above her head.

"Yes…! I AM!" He yelled. "Please guys, if you're here for something, let me know now, or we'll have to call in security."

He glanced down at their attire. "You're _never_ here for our hockey training session are you…?" He asked, in disbelief.

Wario pushed Peach aside. "Yes, we are." He smiled.

"Really?!" He gasped in surprise. "It's just… You don't look… The type…"

Peach thought to herself. "I don't know whether to take that as a complement or not…" She muttered.

"If you're here for the hockey training, report to rink six." He coughed. "If you're not, go away." He turned, skating back across the ice to where he came from.

"Did you understand a word of that?" Peach asked. "The language barrier - talk about brutal!" She smiled. "I wish I spoke Canadian."

Wario glared at her, giving her a bonk on the back with his hockey stick.

"Come on." He ordered, taking a run-up, before sliding gracefully across the ice rink, towards the exit.

"Don't you mean: 'Come on, eh?'" Peach giggled, skating after him.

* * *

"Come in, Special Forces."

"We're here." Diddy Kong coughed.

"Why are we 'Special Forces' anyway?" Dixie Kong asked, tugging hard on the collar of her snowsuit.

"And why are we stood on a rooftop in the middle of a city?" Toad asked, glancing down at the streets below.

"Hey, how come I'm with all the kids?!" Bowser growled, glaring around him.

"I'm NOT a kid." Dixie growled.

"Stop asking pointless questions and listen!" Gadd barked. "Your squadron's assignment is to bombard the whole of the city of Schefferville with your weaponry."

"We don't HAVE weaponry!" Bowser growled, swiping at the hologram with his claws.

"That's the point, Bowser. You must learn to use the natural resources." He paused. "Look around you - what do you see?"

"Snow?"

"Yes, correct. The main thing that Canada stands for - snow."

"I got it!" Bowser Jr. piped up. "Snowballs!"

He leapt onto the ground, heaving up a handful of the freshly-fallen snow, and hurled it at his brother, Roy.

It caught him full in the face. Roy growled furiously, as all of his siblings giggled, as he brushed the snow from his eyes.

"You're going down, bro." He growled.

"Come on, come on!" Gadd sighed, shaking his head. "Quit your fighting, and start your bombardment."

"One moment." Roy smirked, before smashing a pile of ice into his brother's face; who he'd pinned to the ground, and given a black eye to.

Bowser Jr. whimpered quietly, dabbing at his swollen eyeball, a small trickle of blood running down his lips and staining his snowsuit collar.

Nobody seemed to take any notice - they were already armed with their frozen weaponry, ready to pelt the unsuspecting victims below.

"Ready… Aim… FIIIIIIIIIRE!"

* * *

"No Peach; come on!" The instructor barked. "That last shot was extremely misaligned!"

Peach growled, whacking the rink below her skates furiously with her stick.

"Stop mocking me, you ignorant, macaroni-munching, beer-swilling, basement-dweller!" She snapped.

"Hey, that was bang outta order, there buddy." He protested. Then he smiled evilly. "Very well; let's switch positions. Peach - you're in goal."

Peach gulped, regretting every word she had just spoken. Wario thumped her on the back, snickering evilly, as she slowly skated over to the red iron goal, clutching her stick so tightly, her knuckles were on the verge of bursting from her skin.

"Okay Wario." The instructor smiled. "In your own time."

Wario didn't need telling twice. He brought his stick back, the head seemed to create a total eclipse of the whole rink, plunging it into darkness.

He brought it down towards the puck, smashing it as hard as he could. The disc of rubber hurtled through the air, slicing it in two, like a bullet from a magnum.

"Holy sh-"

Peach began, before she was hit, full-force in the face, by the flying projectile puck. She tumbled onto her knees, clutching her mouth with both hands, writhing in pain.

The instructor skated quickly over to her, bending down to her side. Several droplets of blood were trickling down her chin and onto the rink, staining the ice red.

"You okay buddy?"

Peach coughed, as a small pearl-white tooth tumbled from her mouth, and tinkled onto the ice.

Peach gasped. "Wario! Now look what you've done!" She wailed, bending down to look at her reflection in her skate blade.

"Ah jeez, I look like a hockey player!"

Wario sniggered. "Yup, you've got the full thing now, front teeth missing an' all."

"Aww, Peach - what'll you do now? You can't eat your maple syrup pancakes with no teeth, now… Can you, eh?"

Peach growled; glancing over to where the Zamboni was parked.

'That's it Wario…' She thought. 'You're gonna die…'

* * *

"Hey… Mario?" Waluigi asked, glancing around nervously. "Where is everyone?"

Everyone grimaced, staring around in bewilderment at the endless stretches of snow-covered wasteland that surrounded them.

"Come on then, Syrup-Sucker!" Waluigi mocked, turning to a very sticky Mario, who was walking along dejectedly behind them, dripping with golden sap from within the maple tree that his comrades had stuffed him into.

"Where are we, then?"

"For the last time, we're in Toronto." Mario growled, sucking some of the syrup out of his moustache.

He sighed. "Don't you know ANYTHING? There are no houses in Canada… They all live in basements!"

"Invasion of the macaroni-munching, mole-people!" Waluigi exclaimed.

"That's basically Canadians, summed up in four words." Mario giggled.

A Goomba suddenly piped up, jumping up and down.

"Look Mario; there it is! The Basement Bar!"

"…Do Goombas have x-ray vision or sum'pn? Can you see through the snow?" Mario asked, tilting his head.

"No." The Goomba grinned. "There's a sign right there."

Everyone turned, and were greeted by a ten-foot tall luminous purple billboard; the words "Toronto Basement Bar" lit up in flashing green bulbs.

Mario grimaced, narrowing his eyes, as the Goomba beamed proudly, his grin stretching from ear to ear.

Waluigi shook his head, marching through the centre of anger, that had created an invisible barricade within the air between Mario and the Goomba smarty-pants. His eyes set upon a large iron ring, that was set within a trapdoor below his feet.

Waluigi brushed some of the snow aside, and gave it a hard yank.

A loud rumbling sound was heard, as the snow parted, revealing a long staircase, leading down into the earth.

"Why hello Basement Bar." Waluigi snickered, bounding down the stairs - several of the Goombas following him, their hats slipping down over their eyes.

Mario dragged his eyes away from the Goomba. "It's your round." He smirked, nudging the Goomba in his shoulder, before making his own way down the stairs.

* * *

"Mushroom Marauders! Come in, curlers!"

Daisy sighed. "Whose idea was it to call our squadron THAT?"

Gadd grinned. "Booigi's."

Everyone turned, their eyes narrowed with irritation; as they encircled the small, cowering Boo - quivering nervously inside his navy sweater.

"Don't hurt me…" He whimpered, holding his shaking fins up to his face protectively.

"Please!" Booigi begged, tears welling up in his eyes. "I'll always clean my room, and, and… I'll eat all of my broccoli! And, and… I'll share my Wii with Gameboo and Boomerang!"

"SCORE!" Boomerang cheered, giving the Boo next to him a high-five.

"Wii Bowling tonight!" Gameboo chirped.

Booigi carried on regardless. "And, and… I'll make my bed, and, and, I'll do my homework… And, and, clean the toilet, and, and-"

"Aw, put a puck in it!" Luigi snapped, shoving a thick disc of black rubber into Booigi's mouth, mid-sentence.

Everyone burst into laughter, as Booigi turned red, a tear of shame rolling down his face; as he sucked sadly upon the puck.

"AS I WAS SAYING…!" Gadd growled, his hologram leaping up and down in frustration.

"You look like you need a bathroom, prof." Shamboo sniggered.

_**Bzzt.**_

"Yowch!"

"I don't need any more lip from you, Shamboo Spookilstein." Gadd smirked. "Not after the time you put ex-lax in my coffee… Whoo Momma; I felt flushed out after that." He muttered to himself.

"Don't ever call me that again." Shamboo growled, grinding his pointed fangs.

"On with it!"

"Oh, okay fine." Gadd sighed. "I'm missing the hockey game anyway…"

Everyone looked at one another and shook their heads in despair.

"You're standing outside one of Canada's biggest concert venues of 2007." Gadd smiled. "You're going to infiltrate… And destroy."

* * *

"What'll it be, eh?"

"Four Molson… And…" Mario turned and slowly counted the Goombas behind him - most of them lounged around in comfortable armchairs, several of them gambling upon fruit machines, Goombriel and Goomfrey engaging in a violent game of air-hockey.

"Eleven Canada Dry." Mario responded.

"Comin' up buddy." The bartender grinned, before delving underneath the bar.

Waluigi groaned, swinging his long legs to and fro. "Rough job, eh?"

"The next person to say 'eh', I'm going to rip their head off." Mario snarled.

The bartender reappeared with four bottles of beer, and a small crate of green cans.

"There you go, guys." He beamed. "Anything else?"

"Don't you mean: 'Anything else, eh!'" A high-pitched voice chirped from beside them.

Mario ground his teeth, squeezing the neck of his bottle so tightly, it was in danger of breaking into thousands of jagged shards.

"PEACH…!"

"Yes, what would you like?" The bartender beamed, his face jolly and bright.

"Yes, I'll take a maple coffee please." Peach said, slapping a handful of colourful notes onto the counter.

"You took these from a Monopoly box, didn't you?" He questioned, peering at the notes.

Peach grinned. "Yes!"

"You're supposed to be in Ontario, with Wario." Mario snarled.

"That rhymed!" Peach giggled.

"Hey princess!" McGoomba smiled, bounding over to her.

"Hello there." Peach responded, glancing up at the large-screen T.V. mounted on the wall behind him.

"Oh WOW!" She exclaimed, waving her arms around in excitement. "Ice hockey!"

Mario slapped his hand to his forehead. "Somebody help me…"

* * *

"Okay… When she starts singing… We hit her." Daisy sniggered, raising her enormous granite curling stone up to her chest, grunting under its great weight.

"I'm all for the destruction of moose-music." Luigi grinned. "Down with Dion!"

"Yeah, that was some smooth talking you pulled there, Boomeo; to get us those tickets." Daisy smiled, beaming at the Boo beside her.

Boomeo blushed, rubbing his collar proudly. "Ain't nothing to it…" He boasted. "Nobody can resist the pearly whites." He said, baring his teeth in a large, maniacal grin.

"You've got spinach in-between your front teeth." Booigi commented, shaking his head.

Boomeo growled vaguely in the back of his throat, wanting to punch the smaller Boo before him.

"Okay, okay shush… She's gonna start…" Daisy hissed, holding her breath.

"Every night, in my dreams… I see you… I feel-"

"NOW!"

"That is how I know you, go on, eh!" Celine Dion warbled, making the microphone screech.

Luigi held his hands over his ears, trying to block out the sound of a Canadian cat being strangled.

"Throw them!" He commanded.

Everyone groaned loudly in exertion, heaving the heavy slabs of rock up above their heads; their faces turning red in determination and tension.

"Oh! Give 'em here!" Luigi snapped, snatching two curling stones, one from Daisy, one from Shamboo - in either of his hands.

He balanced them upon both hands, as if they were butterflies.

"That is how I know you- AAAAAAAAIGGH!!"

Celine Dion suddenly collapsed onto the stage with a loud thump; followed by two even louder thumps, as the two slabs of rock bounced off the stage.

Blood began blossoming over her hair, trickling out from her nose and mouth - her face stained a ghostly white.

"…I killed her!" Luigi gasped.

* * *

"NO! YOU ONTARIAN SCUMBAGS! FOUL!" Peach yelled, pointing and screaming at the T.V.

"Switch over," Mario sighed. "The Mushroom Kingdom's Funniest Home Videos is starting."

"I mean it." Waluigi smiled in embarrassment. "We don't know her. Honest!"

The pristine white hockey rink pictured upon the screen, covered with twelve heavily-padded men sliding around on 2cm-wide blades suddenly parted, and the screen turned dark.

"Wha-wha-WHA!" Peach screamed. "Turn it back, turn it back!"

"**_We interrupt this sporting event; to bring you a special news bulletin."_**

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Peach shrieked.

"Be quiet! I wanna hear!" Mario snapped.

"**_The new shipment of Monopoly sets, set to be delivered to Macy's department stores has been hi-jacked. Details are shaky."_**

Everyone kept silent.

"**_In other news: Princess Peach of The Mushroom Kingdom has suddenly become rich with Canadian money! Details at eleven."_**

Everyone within the bar gave Peach an odd look.

"What?!" Peach snapped indignantly, trying to stuff the several thousand pieces of coloured paper back down into her collar, as they were beginning to escape.

"**_This just in: Schefferville has been temporarily locked down, due to the invasion of foreign terrorist attacks."_**

"Come on; back to the game!" Peach ordered.

"**_In other unexplained news: Celine Dion has been pelted to death with curling stones; on her return live performance in Detroit."_**

"Nobody cares!" Peach screamed, hurling an empty can at the T.V.

"**_And, just reported…"_**

"Oh; for fuck's sake!"

"**_It has been confirmed, that a team of psycho-driven Zamboni ice-resurfacers are rampaging around downtown Ontario. Residents are advised to stay in their basements, like always._**

"I hit sixteen people on my way here, you know." Peach announced. "My Zamboni's parked upstairs."

Waluigi looked puzzled. "How can you run someone over with a Zamboni…? They move at about… FOUR MILES AN HOUR!"

"**_And now for the weather. Today, we shall be suffering: snow, snow, snow, snow, snow…"_**

(This continued for the next two hours….)

"**_Snow, snow, snow, snow…"_**

(Two hours later…)

"**_Snow, snow, snow, snow…"_**

(Many more hours later…)

"**_Snow, snow, snow, snow…"_**

(Way, way, way later…)

"**_Snow, snow, snow, snow…"_**

(ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz…)

"**_Snow, snow, snow, snow…"_**

"ENOUGH AL-FUCKING-READY!" Peach roared, smashing a hole through the centre of the screen with her trusty blood-spattered hockey stick.

"Are we in Kansas yet, Toto?" Mario slurred, his head tumbling off the bar.

"Place the stamp here for a free clock with ten purchases…" Waluigi groaned, as he lay unconscious in a puddle of his own drool and vomit - the whole floor of the basement-bar covered with a carpet of empty Molson bottles.

Peach waved her stick in the air furiously, accidentally clonking a poor fellow sat at the opposite end of the bar with the end.

"Owch…!" He yelped, grabbing his head.

"First, some dumb bitch throws up over me - TWICE… Now I'm surrounded by drunken idiots, one of them, attacking everything with a piece of wood!" He yelled.

Peach placed her head on one side. "Hey, I know you… You're that dude, who said he was moving to Quebec… Right? The one, from France! Who I puked-"

He narrowed his eyes. "YOU…"

Peach gulped. "Ummm…"

"You're the projectile vomiter." He grinned, holding out a hand. "How've you been?"

Peach gasped in surprise, reeling backwards. She remembered her manners, and shook his hand firmly.

She looked him up and down.

He was dressed in a long khaki duffel coat, which went down to his knees - and he wore a large white Bandit mask over his face.

"Your name?" He asked.

"Snow." Peach responded. "Errr… I mean, Peach." She blushed.

He smirked. "You may call me…" He thought hard. "Moto."

"'Ello Moto!" Peach giggled, parodying a cell phone advertisement.

"Ha ha ha…" He sighed.

Peach's wristwatch suddenly vibrated, and she tumbled off her stool in shock.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Gadd screamed. "You're supposed to be in Ottawa, blowing up the Kraft macaroni factory!"

"…Snow?" Peach questioned.

"AGH NO! NOT THE TIN MAN!" Mario screamed.

"…But I want the green one." Waluigi whimpered.

_**BZZT…!**_

* * *

After the squadron had received the longest lecture they'd ever gotten in their whole lives; Gadd panted for breath and sighed.

"Come on… It's time to get back."

They linked arms.

"Beam us up; Gaddy!"

* * *

"Well, I'm glad to see that 75 per cent of the squadrons fulfilled their duties admirably…" Gadd growled, glaring at Peach.

"I'm very pleased with your results." Gadd scanned a piece of paper he held in his right hand.

"Twenty-eight Zamboni-related accidents in Ontario… Celine Dion is dead… Squadron C; you did amazingly on your assignment of destroying the macaroni factory! - Those basement-dwellers won't know what hit 'em!"

"And, Squadron A." Gadd smiled, turning to Wario. "Never have I seen such fine handling of an ice-resurfacer before."

"Professor Gadd?" Peach piped up. "Do you think it'd be possible to add a basement onto the Star Box?"

"Be quiet; Princess Pain-in-the-ass." Gadd snapped.

"As they say in Canada…" Wario began.

"SERVED!" - Everyone but Peach chorused.

Peach turned scarlet. "I hate you all…" She paused. "I've had a tooth knocked out, my Canadian accent criticised… AND I missed the big hockey game!" She sniffed. "IT'S NOT FAIR!"

* * *

Several hours later, the exhausted crew members were laid back in their recliners, enjoying massages from Gadd's expertly-trained ghosts.

Mario smiled to himself, as he turned a page of his book: '_Blondes Have More Fun; But Brunettes Live Longer!' _- occasionally glancing at Peach and laughing.

Mario suddenly screamed, as he was getting rabidly attacked by a comb and a pair of hedge-trimmers.

"Peach? What are you doing?" He demanded.

"Oh, just giving you a new hairstyle." She grinned, cheerfully.

"Oh yeah; what kind?" Mario asked curiously.

"Hockey-hair." Peach grinned, hacking at Mario's head with the shears. "Oh yeah; and I rang the Mushroom Kingdom Citizens Agency - tomorrow, you're changing your name to Dudley Rowsdower."

"…PEACH!!"

* * *


End file.
